Dr. Dooshy

Long Distance Love....

2005-12-08T22:37:00.000+11:00

My boyfriend and I met on the internet and we will be meeting really soon. I'm really worried because he doesn't know that I'm saving myself for marriage. How should I tell him? Do you think he will understand? We have had e-love on the webcam but I didn't go "all the way". What if he expects it when we meet? Please help!
Andrea P. Howell, Vic

It's important you take things at a pace you feel comfortable with, and don't let him rush you into having e-sex before you're well and truly ready. Your first time should be a wonderful, sensual experience. Make sure you are looking your best (tie your hair back, please. Oh, and dye it red), wear some sexy lingerie (black, preferably, with suspenders) and take the time to wax beforehand (either completely bald, or with a landing strip, i'm not fussy).
Remember to have a variety of "props" nearby, uh, just in case (try waving a riding crop around), and most guys like it when you say things like "Mummy's angry with you!" or "Did you poop on the carpet again?? COME HERE".
Give the webcam lens a clean, and ensure the the room is well-lit as it will hopefully be recorded and posted on the internet for me to masturbate over. Remember to smile, and try to involve a vegetable of some description. I like that. If somehow at the end you can look at the camera and say "Thanks, Dr Dooshy", you'd make me a very, very happy man, if you get what I mean.

DrDooshy at your service.

2005-12-07T22:11:00.000+11:00

I’ve been with my partner for three years and I recently had an abortion. Ever since then my libido has dropped. I enjoy sex when we have it but I’m always worried about getting pregnant, even though I’m on the Pill and we use condoms. How can I enjoy sex again?
NOT HORNY, Vic.
Man. Is it just me or are abortions the "in thing" these days? It seems like everyone is having an abortion, what with Britney Spears, the Olsen Twins and Tony Danza all hopping on the coathanger express.
Anyway, your libido has probably dropped because of all the scraping and stuff that happens during an abortion. Doctors perform hundreds of abortions a day, so they're not real careful how they handle the coathanger.
There's not a great deal you can do really, apart from wait for your snatch to heal up again.
You got pregnant while on the Pill and your partner was wearing a condom? He must pack a fair whack. Maybe get him to wear a couple more in the future.

DrDooshy to the rescue, once again.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA TOWN

2005-12-07T22:05:00.000+11:00

Get ready.

The time you've all been waiting for...

AN UPDATE!! COMING SOON!!

Dr Lamby on thrush.

2005-07-13T15:35:00.000+10:00

Can you tell me what thrush is? I always have a whitish /yellowish discharge from my vagina and I always feel ‘wet’ - is this normal? Is this thrush? What can I do to prevent it?
Creamy, NSW

Thrush is a very common vaginal infection which is irritating and annoying rather than harmful. It is caused by a yeast (called Candida) which lives naturally in the bowel and, in small numbers, in the vagina.
So, in other words, EWW. How embarrassing. Clearly you're not keeping yourself very clean down there, are you? Or maybe you're just a tad too much of a "happy little vegemite", hence the overload of yeast.

Luckily though it's pretty easy to get rid of thrush. Just simply rock on down to your local supermarket and pick up a tub of natural live yoghurt. Personally, I'd probably stay away from the ones with chunks of fruit. Once you've got your yoghurt tub, smear a few globs on and around your vag, making sure it gets in all the creases and folds. It might feel a bit weird, but don't worry it's not a crime to get pleasure out of it. So um yeah, repeat this procedure a couple of times a day, every day for a week and your nasty discharge should go away.

As for prevention, try wiping from front to back when you hang a crap. This will help keep those nasty ass germs away from your fanny. And regular showers wouldn't hurt either.
Dr Lamby xxx

Got a question?

Gagging on COCK!

2005-07-10T01:19:00.000+10:00

Whenever I try to give my boyfriend oral, I start gagging on his penis. How can I stop this?
Jacqui, Melbourne

Hah, have you ever vomited on your boyfriend's wang? That'd kill the mood pretty quick. I really don't know what to suggest, but from my extensive experience watching people have sex in porn movies, gagging on cock is not normal.
Maybe you should try moaning uncontrollably while you do it, and stare deep into the camera. Sometimes they spit on the dick too. Try that. Otherwise, just practice while he's not around. Get yourself a cucumber or something and jam it down your throat. All chicks are expected to be able to deep throat their boyfriends cocks, with no exceptions.
Think about it, if he has to choose between you and another girl, equally as attractive, but who can take him up to his balls, who do you think he's going to pick?

Dr Dooshy.

Give the poor girl a cushion.

2005-06-10T02:06:00.000+10:00

Dear Dr Dooshy,

The only time my boyfriend comes is when we have anal sex. He never does from regular sex. Is he gay or am I just too loose?
Tender and loving, QLD.

Hahahaha, "tender". Was that intentional? Anyway, are you the girlfriend of the depraved loser who wrote in a while ago? (See "My First Question"). I'm assuming you're female.
Before you say or do anything which may hurt his feelings, consider this - Maybe he thinks anal sex IS regular sex. How about that eh? So. In order to solve this problem, i suggest the following -
Next time you two are in the sack, your sweaty bodies rubbing up against each other, clinging onto one another's buttocks and moaning, gyrating wildly on the bed and imagining that he is the world renowned Dr Dooshy, wearing his long white coat and getting down and dirty with you, before climaxing in a wild orgy of surgical implements and hospital grade lubricant, and then collapsing exhausted on the bed and thanking your lucky stars that this time you actually get to have sex with a female, without paying or feeling guilty afterwards, well, i'm pretty sure she was a female, although that large adam's apple was a bit sus, and why she insisted on anal sex, i don't know, although maybe she just prefers it that way..
Sorry, what was the question again?

Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

Revolutionising sex + relationship help

2005-06-09T20:22:00.000+10:00

A new era in relationship advice and help with your sex life is dawning upon us.
Gone are the days where you have to email or ring someone with your depraved questions. Now you can have your questions answered live. In real time.
If you have IRC, come to irc://irc.nullus.net:6667/clinic and ask myself or Dr Lamby your questions, and have them answered immediately!

Help with periods?

2005-05-25T02:06:00.000+10:00

How come sometimes my period is bright red and other times it is a blackish/brown colour?
Bloody, WA

Ugh. Next!

Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

Ha! Sex with dogs.

2005-05-25T01:52:00.000+10:00

I have a couple of small warts around my vagina. Is this genital warts or are they normal warts? If I have sex without a condom, will I pass them on? And do I need to see somebody to get rid of them or will they clear up on their own.
Lumpy, SA

Warts around your genital area are generally a sure sign that you have been having sex with a toad. Or letting a dog perform oral sex on you. What do you use? I've heard peanut butter does the job pretty well.
Though i think the dog would be hard pressed to pass up some carefully placed beef-chews or schmackos. Then he/she would have to really work at getting them out. I saw a clip on the internet yesterday where a woman had sex with a horse.

Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

Door number 1, or door number 2?

2005-05-16T01:04:00.000+10:00

I have a gf, who is very smart and knows what shes doing with her life, but she can sometimes be boring and isnt very horny. Last week I met a chick who looks so similar its spooky, so naturally i was intriegued. This weekend I slept with the body double and she goes off, but shes a bit umm... not as smart. Which chick should I stick with?
In two minds about two bitches, QLD.

Ok, instead of throwing out a standard 'shag the nympho bitch on the side' line, i'm going to try something a bit left of field here. Bear with me, it may sound strange, but i may be on to something.

I take it you love your girlfriend very much, otherwise you'd be cheating on her and generally sleeping around. So, hang on to her. Try and spice up your love life by trying out a few different things in the sack, and treat her to some special loving care.
Call her by her name, and do some stuff like cuddle and maybe kiss her before you give her a pounding. Don't wipe your dick on the curtains afterwards. Stop slapping her around for a day or so, and let her leave the dishes till the next day. Treat her to a thoughtful present, like a new pair of rubber dishwashing gloves, or a more expensive brand of washing powder.

So forget about her body double who goes off in the sack. With a bit of tender, thoughtful love, you can unleash the wild sex beast that lives deep inside your girlfriend.
Anyway, look 15 years into the future. Do you want to be working 40 hours a week to support a dumb nymphomaniac, or sitting on your overweight arse, watching telly while your wife makes a mint as a lawyer or astronaut or something?

Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

Help choosing a bitch.

2005-05-11T01:40:00.000+10:00

More troubled teenagers asking for relationship advice.

Theres a 10% chance of getting together with an ex, am 50% happy with a new chick (week or so) should i gamble on one or hold out for the best offer?
Desperate but unsure.

This is a tough'un, you have to examine the merits of each fine young lady. How good is she in the sack? Will she take it in the butt? Which one is the more attractive? Is there a hot sister you might end up having a threesome with?
Glad to help!

Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

My boyfriend's a closet homo.

2005-05-05T14:36:00.000+10:00

My boyfriend wants me to penetrate him anally with my fingers during sex. It makes me think that he must be gay if he wants anal sex. What do you think?
- Kylie

Hahahahaha your boyfriend's a faggot. He won't be really happy until you grow a penis. Either get yourself a strap-on or invest in some elbow length rubber gloves.

Hairy flaps

2005-05-05T13:17:00.000+10:00

I've been with my boyfriend for about six months and he keeps pressuring me to have sex, but I'm not sure if I'm ready. Also, I'm really hairy downstairs and I'm scared to shave, and my flaps are really long. Is this normal? I'm scared he will laugh and it will make it really awkward.
- Hairy but horny

I have always said your first time should be like giving birth. Screaming, crying, swearing, and being held down by strange people. Sleep with him before you have to do it involuntarily.
But really, i see a way of killing two birds with one stone here. You don't have to shave those ginormous flaps of yours, but it will help.

Next time he pressures you into having sex, consent. Make sure it's in a well lit room. Let him see those labia flapping in the wind. If he actually wants to have sex with you after seeing them, you know he's the "one". If he cracks up laughing and runs off to tell his friends, well, i guess it just wasn't meant to be.

Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

Dr Lamby to the rescue!

2005-05-04T23:34:00.000+10:00

Seeing as i've been receiving hundreds of pleas for help from you fucked up people, i have enlisted the help of Dr Lamby. She has years of experience being female, and i figured some problems require a delicate feminine touch. I realised i knew no-one who had that delicate touch, but Dr Lamby is a (cough) lady, so she qualifies on that part anyway.

I had sex for the first time a couple of months ago and have since sworn it off. It was very rough and I found it to be a bad experience. Well, anyway, lately I've been throwing up a lot in the mornings, and I think I'm gaining weight. Have I gotten an STD? My mother is very fat, does she have the same?
Love your column! xox

- JesusGrrl99

Ahh, finally a question that requires the feminine touch!

Dear JesusGrrl99,
Unfortunately it sounds to me like you've contracted a little disease called pregnancy. Unless you take action now, you can expect your symptoms to continue for another 7 months or so culminating with excruciating pain, bleeding, and loss of bowel control. Oh yeah, and a little bastard child.

My advice? Pay a visit to your closet and obtain a nice prescription of rusty ol' coathanger. You should find this will cure you of your affliction and the weight gain and vomiting should cease.
However, not even a thousand hail marys will save you from going to HELL because you my dear are a little slut who couldn't say no to daddy.

Regards,
Dr Lamby

PS: Your mother is probably just fat because she eats too much, instead of the coathanger she should try two fingers, orally.

Unrequited love

2005-05-04T19:51:00.000+10:00

Badger writes in with a heartbreaking story -

Dear dr dooshy,
there is a girl i am madly in love with. i try to cover my feelings for her by displaying unadulterated hatred toward her. Strangely enough, i seem to be alienating her and this method is getting me nowhere. Whatever shall i do? She is the one for me!!

You poor, poor thing, Badger. Unrequited love is, to put it plainly, a fucking bitch. There is only one way to get this girl's attention. Follow her from a distance everywhere she goes. Get to know her habits inside out. Break into her house and go through her stuff when she's at work. Steal small things to remind you of her, like underpants or things out of her bathroom. You can try mutilating her pets and leaving them somewhere you know she'll find them, like her fridge.
Leave her small clues as to who you are, then one dark, rainy night, beat on her front door until she opens it up, and profess your love to her.

Girl's call this being 'romantic', and she will adore you for the interest you are showing in her. If she seems to be absolutely terrified of you, just persist. You will grow on her.

Interesting..

2005-05-04T19:33:00.000+10:00

Anonymous but horny writes -

Well Dr Doosh, I arrived home terribly drunk one nite to find my flatmate (male) dressed up in drag like a woman. I know I shouldn't have been, but it made me horribly horny and we ended up having sex on the couch, kitchen table, and finally in the shower.

Heres my main problem, I can't get the brown stain off the end of my penis.
Also does this make me a faggot?

I wouldn't worry too much about it, being horny is a part of life. If the person you end up having sex with just happens to be the same sex, hey! We're only human, no big deal. As for the brown stain, try dipping your wang into a mixture of baking soda and orange juice. Faggot.

Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

A confused adolescent.

2005-05-04T02:20:00.000+10:00

dear dooshy doctor, i want to use tampons but i am afraid that one will get stuck up me. what do you suggest? and if i use a tampon will it mean i'm not a virgin anymore?
- Confused and bleeding, AUS

Now i'm not too sure how tampons and such work, but you might have to attach something to it so that you can remove it, they can get lost really easily in there. Or invest in a pair of simple kitchen tongs and work on your forearm muscles.
Don't be scared about tampons, just think of them as a fluffy white penis, only slightly larger. If you need help, just get your boyfriend/friend/PE teacher to help insert it. You can turn it into a game (similar to pin the tail on the donkey), or use it to help spice up your love life (turn the lights down low, wear some sexy lingerie and get your man to jam it in there. the tampon, that is).

Glad to help!

Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

Shy around girls.

2005-05-04T00:46:00.000+10:00

I'm kinda shy around girls. You know, I'm the guy who always gets the sand kicked in his face. I have read numerous books on how to get girls and the gist that I get from most of them is that girls like strong, confident men who listen to what they have to say and respect them as individuals. Am I on the right path here? Would a girl prefer to sleep with me if, you know, I was all compassionate and stuff.
- Love, Openness, Sexual Equality, Respect

Well LOSER, you're on the right track. Basically you have to think what the woman wants. You have to make her an offer she can't refuse. Something along the lines of "If you ever leave me bitch, not only will i fucking kill you, i'll kill your dirty slut of a mother too." This simple line has never failed me.

Fanny rash.

2005-05-04T00:39:00.000+10:00

'Embarrased' from Craigieburn, VIC writes:

"Dear Dr Dooshy,
Last week I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time evar!! It was awesome, but now I have an ugly rash on my fanny. What do you think might be the problem? I'm too scared to see a real doctor. Thx!!!"

Well i'm glad to hear you enjoyed it. But sadly, in order to answer your question correctly, i will need some more information. In the form of photos. You can forward them to Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com

Oh, and you should proof-read your emails before sending them. You accidentally implied that i am not a real doctor.

My first question.

2005-05-04T00:28:00.000+10:00

Well fans, i just received my first question in the mail today. It's from a young, troubled man who wishes to go by the name 'soup'. Following is an extract from a long whiny email he sent me (and for those of you concerned, i will be keeping all email addresses completely private. You can be assured of DrDooshy - patient confidentiality. Other than having your problems posted on the net, of course)

Dear Dr. Dooshy,
I was wondering if you could help me, i have a kind of female admirer. I boned her senseless not long ago, and now she want's to be involved in a relationship with me. How do i break up with a girl i'm not even going out with??

Ha, ha, haaa. If i had a dollar for every time this has happened to me.

The answer is simple Mr. Soup. Continue seeing her. Next time you have sex (make it soon), just bang her in the butt. And never anywhere else. Focus on her arsehole.
If she looks at you in shock and says something whingy like 'Uh, what are you doing?', just frown and growl 'JUST TAKE IT, BITCH'.
This should soon end the relationship.

On the other hand. If she enjoys being banged in the arse, score!!

It has begun!

2005-05-04T00:05:00.000+10:00

Well peeps, Dr Dooshy is here, to answer all the questions you were too embarrassed to look up on the internet elsewhere.

So the letters you've been writing to Dolly Doctor have been ignored repeatedly? The bitch from Cleo think's you're too mentally ill and disturbed to put your disgusting letters in her magazine? Ask me! I have years of experience being mentally ill and disturbed.
Invite me into your life, and watch as i change it for the better.

OMG GMAIL TO THE RESCUE
email your sordid questions to Dr.Dooshy@gmail.com